Lady Fang

holy fuck

I haven’t posted anything in such a long time, but today is quite the shitty day and right now I feel the need to vent EVERYTHING in my head. I won’t do that, though.

I’m just so very stressed about my whole life at this point and want to list the good and bad things going on right now.

1. GOOD- My relationship with Tony throughout the past year has been amazing. I can tell how much closer I feel to him. I never used to consider him that much of a “best friend” like so many other people can say about their significant others, but now I feel almost closer with him than I do with some of my closest girlfriends. I can talk to him about almost anything and I find myself desiring to hang out with him more than ever before. If you understood how I used to be in the beginning (well, more like the first year) of my relationship then you’d understand how big of a change it all really is. He’s my first everything, basically. I’m really in love with him, but of course, sometimes that scares me. Sometimes I feel like I’m falling more in love with him, but he’s at a stand-still with how much he loves me. bleh, I always feel like people are going to like me at first but then slowly find some reason not to.

BAD- Tony’s mom hit my car today. Just when we were getting into the groove of a really good relationship, this happens. She just had surgery last week and shouldn’t have even been driving. She was also probably on a bunch of pain medication due to her multiple surgeries within the past 2 months. She also has a video camera in her car that shows what’s behind her AND she has a sensor that “beeps” when something is behind you. How, may you ask, then could she have possibly hit your car? I have no fucking idea. His brother backed out of the drive-way a few months ago and scratched my mom’s car that I had been driving due to someone else hitting my car on the road. Since his brother made no money at the time his mother had to pay for the fix, which wasn’t inexpensive. So, on top of the fact that she’s already had to pay for something happening to my car, she now needs to pay for what happened today. and I feel terrible because after Tony’s brother had scratched my mom’s car, the family had asked me not to park in the drive-way, which is where I was today. I really didn’t think that it would be a problem for someone to see my car there during the day time while I was gone for 5 hours. and I never park there anymore, really, unless I know for sure no one is coming or leaving. I stopped parking there after the first accident and I usually park like, two houses down. Either way I still feel like shit.

2. I DON’T EVEN WANT TO LIVE IN A PLACE WHERE I NEED A CAR. I JUST WANT TO BICYCLE. THAT IS WHY I NEED TO MOVE TO AMSTERDAM. There is constant activity in the streets, there are 160 beautiful canals all throughout the country, most people there speak impecable English (no lie) and they are always bicycling. and I DO NOT care about the prostitution, so don’t even think that would stop me. but I suppose trying out a major city with public transportation in the U.S. might be a better idea to start with.  I just hate dealing with issues like, driving and worrying if the people driving around me are going to hit me or pull out in front of me, paying for car insurance, paying for scratches, oil, blah blah blahblahblhal.

Seriously, within the past year I’ve had 2 accidents with my car that have been MY fault. The first was in Ann Arbor and I backed into a cement blocker. The second being when I backed out of Tony’s drive and hit Kaila’s car………..I couldn’t see out the back window.

But within the past year I’ve had 3 incidents where my car has gotten hit when it wasn’t my fault at all. One was on the road, a woman pulled out in front of me trying to go left when I was going forward, and she got the ticket. Another one was then my friend Zack backed out of Tony’s drive and hit my car, he paid for it in full, though. By now you’re probably thinking Tony’s drive-way is haunted.

BEFORE THIS YEAR I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO ACCIDENTS.

3. GOOD- basically I’m just really happy that Rothbury is officially coming back to JJ Ranch this summer. If you love art and music and crazy lights and trees lit up when you’re trippin’ out or when you’re sober, you need to be there. July 2-5. But I will say be prepared to be surrounded by thousands of people that are tripping their heads off and hundreds of wooks walking around saying, “Molly, doses, molly, doses.”

BAD- I cannot find my Anthropology books ANYWHERE. Well, at least not the places that they would be. I lost them last week but figured that they’d either be in my car, house, Tony’s car/house, work, or school. They’re not in either of those places. I only have one place left to check and that’s Zack’s diner in plymouth. I’m pretty certain they’re not there.

These books were NEW books too.

and I’m already 4 weeks behind in my classes online.

I totally fucked up this semester and I don’t really know what I should do. I had to pay for my classes this semester because MEAP money can’t give me the rest of my scholarship until I complete 60 credits now.

I didn’t even want to go to school this semester. I felt absolutely no motivation this time around, plus I wasn’t going to get any of the classes I really liked, even though the Anthropology one was a good one. All in all, it was my fault that I registered too late. It was my fault for parking in the drive-way. It’s my fault I smoke too much pot to remember where I leave things. It’s also my fault for spending too much money on weed all the time because I never think anyone will ever have any, which they never do because they figure I always will. Which is leaving me with not that much $$$ in my savings to PAY FOR ALL THE SHIT I’m dealing with right now.

I really feel like I need a change of scenery. I’d like to move out, but if I got an apartment I wouldnt want to live in Canton. To be quite honest, I wish I had just gone to Western and gotten into a program of studies that would have kept me on track. I wish I was moving in with Loranda and Christine next year so that I’d be living with good friends. I didn’t go to Western because I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life and I wanted to save money be going to a community college. Schoolcraft isn’t bad at all! it’s an awesome school I just can’t do shit around here when I have too many distractions like work, boyfriend, friends, family, and everything else. I don’t even think I’d smoke so much weed if I lived somewhere else.

I’m just really bored. and it’s sucking the life out of me. I really am worried about my car, I haven’t even seen it yet. and the only thing I can think to say to Tony’s mom is “sorry.” even though I do feel there should be some remorse for hitting my car when she could have avoided it. basically, the whole car thing started this rant.

optional

browsing through the internet I’ve found that I wasn’t the only one that spent New Year’s Eve with three other people. three people that are close to me, of course, Kaila, Tony, and Sean. It was nice. I hope everyone enjoyed the night as much as we did. hah

Our Siamese cat, Cody, hasn’t been seen in at least five days. We’re very worried about him. He is an outdoor cat, but it isn’t like him to be gone for too long, he’s about twelve years old and never misses out on a meal. I cried a lot, but my mother is taking harder than I am, surprisingly. She continues to cry.

We just want some closure.

Who you are is a terrible thing to waste.

If you really are into peace that much, then why do you fight? If you really believe in love, then why do you hate anyone not like you? If you really want to live with passion, then why do you sit in front of your computer screen all the time? Do you really respect the world that is out there? Would you honestly be able to be sincerely friendly to the people you cross on the street? What about the girl or boy that isn’t going to art school and always shops at K-mart? Are you really able to try and prove yourself as this person you convey of peace and love when you act in some way from day to day that contradicts that very quality? Trends come and go. someday we will all be 50 years old and wondering how the fuck you use the newest cell phone (except, of course, for those that leave this earth before us).

I feel like the internet makes me feel worse about myself every time I get on. I am constantly comparing myself to people out there that may have better talent, may have nicer clothes, may have a better face, teeth, whatever, and I’ve already realized I’ve been comparing myself to others for as long as I can remember. so why am I still doing it?

It’s a terrible thing! I shouldn’t waste time on these things. and YOU shouldn’t either, but that’s always your decision. The only reason I still have a myspace is to keep in touch with people. But half the people I’m friends with on there I probably will never even meet because no one really makes the effort. even though I am always willing.

I feel like the internet, well, not all of it, but most of the popular sites we all tend to visit are just there so people can post pictures of themselves in order to be flattered, they will post words that make them come off as something they’re not, and I’m sure there are many people out there that base their entire lives on what’s going on with their homepage. or who has cuter shoes.

augh. I don’t care about how much your hair, eyes, body, friends, camera, or ANYTIHNG is better than mine. or how many whatevers you have or how much you smoke weed. I don’t give a shit in real life, I usually come off the same with whomever I meet anyway. I want people to want to know me for me and not what I come off as online. Eck, even in real life, most people these days will only judge you by what you’re wearing either way. and that is something I have always believed and felt so sickly about.

I know that I won’t delete my myspace, but perhaps I will delete most of the things on it. I sincerely do not want any fakeness from people. I’m done. If you don’t like me then you should let me know right now, because I only want genuine people in my life that are interesting to me and that are interested in me.

I watched the movie “My Blueberry Nights” tonight instead of finishing my English final. yeah, pretty stupid, but I really can’t care right now. I don’t know what I want to do with my life and it scares me to death how much other people do, especially when those who are younger than me seem way further off than I am at this point. going off to colleges, better paying jobs. I’m so scared I’ll never have that, I had a chance to go to Western too, but that would have been wasteful, I know that for certain.

I’m also scared of not gathering up enough of the passion that rests in my bones to go out into this world and actually do something great. REALLY see the world, or even all of fucking Michigan for Pete’s sake.

I honestly don’t know what I want. But I do know that I don’t want judgements placed on me for stupid reasons and I also don’t want to place them on others either. I want genuine people in my life no matter what age, what group, what religion, what culture, what size, what anything. I want to meet people not afraid to start a conversation or be startled that I start one by saying something completely random. 

Sometimes I think it is nice that we have the technology these days to  meet anyone from around the world at any given point. I also think it’s nice when you meet someone amazing in real life, in a random place, any time of the day. Maybe life is meant to be that way. In most ways I see the internet as a way for people to NOT be themselves, but who knows what he or she or I is feeling really? only you know you and how you really feel.

‘My Blueberry Nights’ along with so many other films I watch or people I look up to encourage me to get up and leave at any time or show the world how I feel, not through blogginb but through my actions. I want to experience that for once and not depend on others as much as I do.

I can’t find my cell phone charger. No one can contact me, but I like it that way for right now. Sooner or later (possibly tonight, I’m not sure) I will find it, charge my phone and call the first person that may have left me a message, but finding out things on your own, in your own time is pretty fun.

Anyone that is sincerely interested in getting to know me should let me know because chances are, I’d love to have a conversation with someone new or old.

today

I’m feeling much better! it’s weird.

I have decided that I need to tell someone to get me some Office DVDs this Christmas. I guess I COULD just go get them myself after my birthday, which is in 7 days!! I will be 20 years old on Christmas eve.

Birthdays are weird.

I can’t wait until after this Friday when I can just sleep or read in my spare time! Thank all goodness.

My Body

My body is a broken water spout that can’t quite be turned off.

My stomach churns and lies heavily as nausia knits itself into my intestines.

My head is hurting from the locks that keep the worries in.

I can’t find my eyes to show me the better side.

Right now my body wants to stand still.

still.

Like a blockade of thoughts wrapping itself around my body in a tornado that stands still.

still.

I need you still.